Is Your “Self Talk” Track Derailing You?

Outmoded Self TalkHave you ever been in a situation where you experienced that sick feeling in your stomach or anger rising up or a sense of panic or just plain frustration…feelings that caused you to react in a way you wished you hadn’t ? Afterwards, when you thought about it, did you berate yourself for not being more resourceful this time? You’re not alone. It happens to most successful leaders at some time.

Despite your professional success, it could be any number of situations that affect you……demonstrating professional presence in senior level meetings, handling criticism or conflict, giving presentations, defending what you believe, handling customer complaints, dealing with troublesome employees, or other situations.

What is your reaction? Do you clam up? Get red in the face? Stonewall? Get defensive and accusatory? “Hum and Haw”?

You may be responding to your outmoded “self talk”.

Your outmoded “self talk” can be limiting your effectiveness, destroying your relationships, tarnishing your personal brand, and derailing your career.

Not to mention:
Causing you stress and anxiety.
Making you over react or hold back.
Questioning your abilities or self worth.

We all do it. We talk to ourselves. It can be good “self talk” or it can be negative “self talk”. If you think about it, you know in what circumstances your detrimental “self talk” happens.

Recognize any of these?

These come from a prior experience in our lives, even from our childhood, that we have reinforced over time, so now we just accept them. “Self Talk” like these will cause you to react in a less than optimal or resourceful way…maybe even damaging way.

“I am not as good as they think I am.”
“They are going to see my weaknesses”
“I better not ask that or they will think I am incompetent. Just stay quiet”
” I am just not good on my feet”
” You’re attacking me! You’re saying I’m incompetent. I need to defend myself.”
“Everybody is waiting for me to make a mistake up here.”
“Wow he’s really mad. I better just shut up rather than antagonize him even more.”
“They don’t respect me.”
“Oh no! There goes my career!”
” I hate that woman. She thinks she’s so great. She’s not that good. She just sucks up to the boss.”
“He’s just incompetent.”
“I just know he’s going to ask me questions I don’t know the answers to.”
“I am gong to look weak in front of everyone.”
“I’m the boss. Do as I say not as I do.”
“This project is off track. There goes the quarter. I am going to look really bad. There goes my bonus.”
“Don’t make yourself look like a fool.”

But You Can Change! A Lesson From Golf

A few years back, when I got really upset with myself over an another “errant” golf shot my buddy said: “Would you let your caddy talk to you the way you talk to yourself?”
btw “Errant”…. that is short form for ” Who’d had thought it possible to hit a golf ball into that spot from here?”

An easy going good friend of mine says he stays calm ” because he’s just not a good enough golfer to get upset”.

After several hours thinking about this at the 19th hole, I came to the conclusion that 2 things caused my reaction:

1. I was going to fail! All I could think about was missing my goal of a low score. With each bad shot I could see my chances going down the tubes. And I was running out of holes to recover! Of course this caused me to get even more tense, hit more bad shots and get more upset…a vicious circle…and I do mean vicious.

2. I am incompetent! (and every one can see that I am!) How many times had I hit this shot perfectly on the practice facility? Why couldn’t I do it on the course where it mattered ? What is wrong with me? It made me feel ineffective, out of control, that I was lacking the mental toughness. Sometimes I even believed it was hopeless to even think I could get better.

I have since changed my approach. I had read that nothing we experience has meaning until we give it one. That meant I could change how I gave meaning to my errant shots. I began treating each “less-than-perfect” shot as feedback…not a catastrophe.

I now tell myself 2 positive things:

1.Something good about the situation. “Well at least I will be closer to the green now.” or ” It could have been worse. At least I can find it and hit it”

2. A learning point or suggestion. “Next time I am going to remember to line up and focus on a mark on the ground in front of me” or ” remember to follow through”.

It’s All About Choice

Getting upset with myself made me feel and play worse not better.
I decided I wanted to enjoy my experience. I chose to change my “self talk”
It is amazing how this has changed not only my enjoyment of the game but also the quality of my game.
Now I am less tense. I am more relaxed. My mind is focused on what I can do different. I am not focused on what might go wrong. I am not wasting my mental energy beating myself up. I am not my own enemy. I am open to possibilities. I am more fun to golf with.

It is not easy. I will still lose it occasionally. But it comes easier now.

Applying Intentional “Self Talk” at Work

Now take this to the work place to those situations that you do not handle well or which you avoid.
Think about one of these situations.
What is the trigger that causes you to not respond in the most resourceful way?
What do you tell yourself?
What causes that feeling in the pit of your stomach or causes your mouth to go dry or makes your blood boil?
In each instance, some trigger is causing you to tell yourself to act in a specific manner…defensive, hesitant, passive, over bearing, dismissive, cautious….

Your reaction is based on old habits that are no longer serving you well. You might have learned them as a kid because they worked for you back in the day. Or they may even be habits that got you to where you are today but are now outdated.

Start to notice when you react in a manner that is different than what you want. Notice the triggers. Notice the story you are telling yourself about the other person or about yourself. You will discover which stories need updating.

Intentionally tell yourself the stories that will serve you better.

Now you can rewrite how you want to react. Think of a situation coming up. Get yourself ready for it. What is the “self talk” that will help you respond and react more resourcefully and get positive results? Practice your new “self talk” for this interaction. Afterward notice what worked and what you need to improve on. (feedback)

It doesn’t come easy. But you have choice. You can take control or choose to be a victim.

You know that if you continue to practice intentional “self talk” it will get easier and you will get better results, be less stressed and be more successful.

Later we will discuss other intentional “self talk” opportunities.

Stop Avoiding That Tough Conversation

Most of us have had times when we know something is not right and we need to address the issue with another person head on. It could be your boss is going around you and working directly with your employees without keeping you informed or maybe behaving in ways that are undermining you. Maybe it’s a peer jockeying for your job or part of your role. It might be a subordinate who seems to be sabotaging you.

There may be two different reactions:

  1. You notice it but shrug it off as unimportant. “That’s just the way it is.” “Hey we’re a team here.”
  2. It bothers you. You feel something is not right and it’s not good for you or your position.
    By the way, if you don’t notice anything, then take the blinkers off and pay attention to what is going on around you.

    Ignore It At Your Own Peril

    So let’s assume you do notice it and it does concern you or at a minimum peaks your interest. These kinds of issues are distracting. Without resolution they remain in the back of your mind, stealing valuable brain power. It can cause anxiety, lack of sleep, anger and even illness. Left too long it might cause you to act irrationally…blow up in a meeting, sabotage a project, complain to others behind their back, or even worse.
    Humans typically avoid unpleasant situations and if you are already loaded with work and you are doing a great job there is a tendency to put it on the “to do “ list and it never seems to make it to the top. Unfortunately it won’t go away and you may be the loser.
    The sooner you have that tough conversation with the apparently offending person, the faster you will resolve the issue and move forward…and feel better.

    Don’t Wait. Address It Head On.

    1. Step back and look at the situation from a company and business perspective. Ask what damage is this causing or how is it detracting from a smooth successful operation?
    2. Write down specifically what the issue is and very clearly the outcome you desire and what success looks like.
    3. Look at it from the other person’s perspective. Look for that person’s positive intention. What would cause a rational person to act in this manner. Many times people are driven by ignorance, fear or desire to protect themselves. (job, position, personal perception, prestige, reputation)
    4. List what possible things you may be doing to cause the issue. Are you excluding others,showing favoritism, not following up, micro-managing etc.
    5. Is the other person correct in their assessment? If so act accordingly. If not proceed.
    6. Make two columns, one for you and one for the other person.
    7. Identify the common objective that you both have. Answer the questions below as open minded as possible. This will lead you to having a fuller and clearer understanding of the situation and provide direction for a face to face meeting.
    8. Action Me Them
      The Issue How I see it How would they see it?
      Value to the business Doing it my way Doing it their way
      Personal value What does this do for me? What could it mean to them?
      Actions Observed What have I done
      to contribute to the issue?
      What actions have you observed?
      Purpose of Action Mine Theirs
      Common Objective What do we both want?
      Win Win Plan Value to me Value to them

      [Read more...]

5 More Reasons You Could Use An Executive Coach

You COuld Use An Executive Coach

You Could Use An Executive Coach

Here are some more semi-tongue-in-cheek one-liners on why you or someone you know could use an executive coach. Recognize anyone? Even you sometimes?

1. If others think you graduated from the Tony Soprano School of Leadership (and even worse if you’re proud of it)…you could use a coach
2. If you think: “I really am interested in what you are saying even though I am texting during your presentation”…you could use a coach
3. If you ever wondered why your butt was covered with rashes and then you realize it’s from being kissed all day…you could use a coach
4. If there is an office betting pool on what you will do today that doesn’t match what you say…then you could use a coach
5. If nothing seems to get done right without you being involved…you could use a coach